Life Stuff...Depression, Being A Mum & Guilt.

It's not something that I hide, and if you have been a regular reader, you will already know; but I have depression. I've had it for many years, but only really got diagnosed about four years ago.
It took a while to find a medication that worked for me, and I was on that for over a year. Luckily, I managed to find myself coping a lot better and decided to slowly wean myself off it. For the most part, things were great in the beginning. My mood was a lot higher, I had more happy periods and the 'bad days' were much fewer than before. I could cope, and I felt strong and empowered by the fact that I felt like that. That was almost two years ago.

Since then, I fell pregnant, had Scout and am now a mum to an almost one year old.
I'm struggling.
Throughout my pregnancy I had bad days, but for the most part I would put them down to pregnancy hormones; because we all know that you can become a totally different person whilst you are growing a person. Those hormones are intense.
My labour was traumatic, again something I've talked about enough, and I didn't really know how to cope. Not only did I have to get used to having this tiny little human, but I also had to deal with the very scary experience that I had had. There's no nice way of putting it, but I could have died had I lost any more blood. I'm so incredibly thankful for the doctors/nurses/midwives I had around me at that time.

A year on from that, I thought I would have it down by now; but the truth is, I feel like things are really getting on top of me. So much so, once the move is over with, I am registering with a new GP and talking to them about maybe going back onto my medication for a little while.

When I'm having my bad days, there's nothing I want more than to be someone else. It's always been something I think about. I seem to cling onto the fact that other people have better lives, and I end up feeling worse for it. I know this is one thought I need to stop having.
I also spend a lot of time sleeping, but now Scout is my main priority, this doesn't happen as much as it would have before. Because of this, I'm getting exhausted very quickly. Both emotionally and physically. I get angry and snap at Liam, but also feel like I don't want to be a parent. Next comes the guilt.

I feel guilty because I miss the free time I used to have, I feel guilty because sometimes I wish Scout would just nap for half an hour longer so I even have the chance to finish a blog post. I feel guilty because a lot of the time at the moment, I just can't wait for hand him over to Liam once he's home from work.  All these things come down to the fact that I am always thinking of something else. Baby, dinner, housework, animals. There's no time for me. I don't know who I am at the minute. I feel like I've lost all sense of myself, I live in my Pjs, I rarely even brush my hair. This is not me.

I'll probably be a little MIA for the rest of this month. I want to take some time to work on myself, find a sense of happiness again, enjoy Scout in his last few weeks of being a 0 year old (I had no idea how else to write that,) and see if maybe I can pull myself out of this dark hole without the help of medication. I believe I can, but I need to find some strength from somewhere to do it.

After the move, we hope to have our time managed a lot better. Scout will be able to go and spend time with Liam's family once in a while, meaning I will have some me time. I will also have friends nearby, which is something I haven't had in two years! I'm excited. I'm planning on giving WhenFlowersFall a big makeover and jumping straight back into doing what I love. I know many other mums blog and youtube all whilst having children, so if they can, why can't I. I just need to find the right balance.

I'm sitting here after typing out this post wondering if anyone will even read it. My views have been shocking in the past few months. But, I feel so much better for getting everything in my head into writing, so I may as well post it.

I'll be around on instagram and the such like, and of course we are still daily vlogging; so you can keep up with the move progress over on the DailyJones channel. (I really want to change the name of that...)

If you have gotten to the end of this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.
I really believe things will get better.


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Monday Make-up And A Little Catch Up. anxiety | benefit | blogging | body shop | catch up | colour tattoos | depression | fakeup | fotd | monday make-up | moods | sleek | videos | whenflowersfall | where have i been | youtube

Well, howdy doo my little beauties. 

I'm so sorry for the lack of posts and videos etc. Especially when I kept saying that it would be back to normal. 

I've spent a lot of time since turning 23 feeling pretty pants if I'm honest. Without trying to sound dramatic, I had a bit of a mini breakdown a few days ago. I was very much struggling with keeping my mood high, and after visiting family in the past couple of weeks, I felt I knew what I was really missing. 

At the end of the day, I know a lot of my low moods and 'feeling bad' days are down to my depression/anxiety, so I know that things will always be getting better. 

I'm at a stage now that I feel like I'm finally feeling somewhat 'normal', in a sense that I can now leave the house on my own, go to the shop, go to meet-ups etc. All things I wouldn't even have thought about this time two years ago. But, the biggest issue for me is still work. After being out of work for these past two years, I'm now feeling really frustrated that this is my only problem that hasn't really been helped by the medication I have been taking. I would love to get back to work, but deep down, in the pits of my stomach I know that I would still have huge issues to get up and go, that's if I did manage to get through interviews etc first. 

I've been looking online recently and I feel sick doing it, but I'm hoping that one day a job will pop up and my head will finally shout loud enough to be heard over the beating of my heart. If I'm going to push myself to get through this, I want it to be for a job that I'm passionate about, something that I know I will enjoy doing. Which, if I'm completely honest, I haven't had for a very long time. All jobs I've applied for before have been because I felt like I had to. Money pressures and such like. Those pressures are still very much there, but now the understanding of my issues is there too, it seems a lot easier to focus on what's important. 

So, after that very long winded catch up on me, I now want to get myself back to feeling good. I've spent these past couple of weeks feeling really cruddy and I've just let it happen. This week I am bringing back Friday Fitness, a new diet (I've fit my highest weight :S ), and hopefully regular videos. 

Blogging and Youtube is something that I love with all my heart and if it bought in pennies, I would make it my job, but that's really a longterm goal. Not exactly something that can happen over night. So, I'm now going to throw myself back into it, stop rambling and get on with today's actual post!

Well done to you if you managed to get through that lot! 

Please excuse the grainy iPad photo, the Mr stole my camera this weekend and it needs charging. 

I chose to keep today's face light, only using Benefit's Fakeup in Light and Medium as my base. If you're having a good skin day, it's amazing. 

On my eyes, I'm wearing maybelline colour tattoo in 'Light in purple' and 'Turquoise forever' on my top lid, and MUA single shadow in Shade 10 smudged on my lower lash line. I'm wearing Benefit Bad Gal Lash mascara and 'Guipure' from my Sleek blush by 3 palette on my cheeks. 

On my lips is just The Body Shop lipgloss in watermelon. 

As you can probably see, my eyebrows are in a somewhat appalling state at the minute and you will see a post on them coming up within the next week. 

I hope you've all been really well!

Sam

xoxo

FEBRUARY ADVERTISERS and a little bit of news advertisers | anxiety | blogs | break | depression | favourite | february | health | hiatus | issues | mental | sponsors | taking

I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night. As you all know, I have a few health issues, one of course being my depression. This week I have begun taking some new medication and either side effects are hitting me hard, or they aren't working their magic yet. I don't want to lie to you guys, and I know that I shouldn't have to explain myself, but I've been having a lot of downs rather than ups recently. It's affecting a lot of my life at the minute, including my relationship. As much as I love blogging and youtube, I feel like I need to take some time out let my new meds start working, and/or find a way to help myself. It's been a long two year journey on the depression train and I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall at the minute. It can get very tiring fighting something like this all of the time. I don't know if it will be a week or more than that, but I hope you guys will continue reading When Flowers Fall when I get back. And I promise, I will be back. 

In the meantime, you could always pop over and visit my February Advertisers!All three ladies are absolutely lovely, and fabulous at what they do. I am an avid reader of all of their blogs and I think you could be to. www.bowsandblushx.blogspot.com

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Poop day is poop. brain fart | depression | when flowers fall | whenflowersfall

I am so sorry for the lack of regular posting recently. I feel like it's something I used to be so good at and I really don't know what's happened. 

All day today, I've been trying to plan and write posts but my head has just been filled with feeling emotional and poop. I always seem to get ideas, begin planning and then talk myself out of it because I end up annoyed or frustrated at myself. 

With Christmas being next month, I'm feeling so stressed. Last year we barely got presents for anyone due to lack of funds, and it looks like it's going to be the same this year. It's officially been a year and a half since I was last able to work and it doesn't look like it's going to get easier to do any time soon. Frustrated isn't the word. What makes it worse is the fact that we need so much ourselves, but we are are only just scraping by. 

I would never give up on WFF. It's been two months now I think since I last filmed a YouTube video and I feel like I've let my subscribers down enough.

I'm sorry this post has been a pretty negative one and pretty damn moany. I just felt like I owed a bit of an explanation as to why things haven't been so regular on here recently. I think I have a lot to work on and hopefully things will get back to normal soon. 

Right now I'm just waiting for the Mr. to get home so I can have some cuddles.

I hope you are all really well, I kinda miss you guys.

My Week In Photos #020 anxiety | break up | cats | depression | diy | instagram | my week | my week in photos | twitter | update | wff | whenflowersfall | working

Hi  my lovelies!

I honestly cannot believe I've been doing this weekly post for twenty weeks already. 

I'm going to be completely honest with you guys, this week have been the week from hell.

This week I started my new job, and finished it. I really thought that my anxiety was under control again, but the challenge of going to work proved that it very much isn't. I've had countless, very bad panic attacks, break downs and arguments with Liam. 

I don't want to go into it too much, because after all it is a private thing, but Liam and I also became very much to breaking up this week. Fortunately, he is the best and we have now worked our issues out. He's so understanding of everything I struggle with and I honestly don't think anyone else would ever put up with this crap. 

I've spent a lot of time on my own this week, trying to clear my head, trying to decide what I want to do with life, and I really haven't been able to come to any conclusion other than blogging. Blogging is the one thing I love, it's my passion and hobby. Until I can finally beat this anxiety over working, I am going to put my all in WFF because I feel like I have been really lazy with it recently. I am going to film a lot more tutorials, and be a lot more consistent also. 

The move into the new house is happening some time in the next week or so, so I am currently turning a 15 year old pine cabinet into my new make-up storage. I was planning on buying an alex 6 drawer unit from Ikea, but now that I again have no income, I decided to find a way to save myself the £85. My Muji drawers just aren't cutting it any more and I see to have products coming out of my ears! 

On that point, I am going to leave you guys to go about your Sunday. I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I felt like I should fill you all in. I have posted some rather odd and probably depressing twitter statues this week, so for that I am sorry, but I will be OK. 

I hope you all had a good week. 

Thank you all for your growing support for WFF, it really means the world to me.

WASTELAND has my heart black | cheap monday | depression | dream wardrobe | fashion | jeffrey campbell | lusting | online | print | shoes | shop | shopwasteland | unif | wasteland | whenflowersfall

Hi, you beauties!

I feel like I've done a lot of these kinds of posts recently, so I am sorry if you're fed up of seeing my dream wardrobe over and over. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only poor girl lusting over items of clothing she knows she'll never be able to afford. 

The online store that has my heart this week is www.shopwasteland.com

Carrying brands such as UNIF and Jeffrey Campbell, I fell in love at an instant. Whereas the wardrobe I am dealing with at the moment is drab and boring, created in my months of depression, my favourite items from Wasteland are different and exciting. They totally encapture everything I want from my wardrobe re-vamp.

Unfortunately, I think I can only dream of having such amazingness on my body. (Yes, that sounded a little creepy.)

If you like what you see in the above pictures, make sure to go check out the store for yourself. I promise, you'll be wanting as much as I do by the time you're done.

Obsessed with - Tie Dye bedding | cloths | curtains | depression | dye | dying | fashion | interior | mood | my obsessions | obsession | purple | style | tie dye | when flowers fall | whenflowersfall

Yes, this is something I never thought would happen, but I have become obsessed.

Tie dye clothes, bedding, bags, I want it all! 

It started a few weeks back when I cut and bleached some denim shorts, ok so it's not quite tie dying, but since then I've wanted to dye everything. I recently dyed my bedroom curtains (if you have been following me on instagram you would have seen the various stages,) and now I'm looking into tie dying my bedding. I figured it would be cheaper to do it myself than to buy new ones anyway. Although, I did see the most perfect bed set on ebay the other day, if only it hadn't of been £55!!

I'm currently on the hunt for some reasonably cheap plain white duvet covers, so if you know of somewhere I could get some please let me know. I'm going to hunt around the charity shops at the weekend, so hopefully I'll have some luck then. 

Clothes wise, I'm just sitting here wishing I had the money to splurge. I would totally do more fashion posts if my wardrobe wasn't so dire. When I first started struggling with my depression my style seemed to be effected. I started to dress really drab and plain, my hair got dyed back to brunette and I didn't have the confidence to pull off the kind of clothes I loved. But now I'm feeling so much better, my old style is re-appearing. I just wish I hadn't of thrown away the clothes I thought I would never wear again.

So what obsessions do you guys have that seem to be a little unrealistic?

I guess we always want things that are just out of our reach. 

Hope you are well. 

Good Days and Bad Days.... anxiety | attacks | depression | followers | jobs | panic | panic attacks | personal | thank you | when flowers fall | whenflowersfall | work

Hi Lovelies,
  So this is rather a personal post today, usually I would post my Friday Fit Day, but due to our scales being out of batteries and me knowing full well I have not lost a single thing this week, I decided against it.
  As most of you will already know, I went to a job interview on Monday and although I felt it went incredibly well, I'm now feeling my anxiety playing hell with the thoughts of 'what if I actually get this job?' The interview itself was a huge challenge for me. Sunday evening was a roller-coaster of emotions and I very nearly sacked it in there and then, but I pushed myself and got myself through it, which if I'm entirely honest, I wouldn't have been able to do two months ago. The panic attacks would have made my mind up for me, but this week I managed to control them. Unfortunately, since Wednesday I've been feeling like I've back tracked to two months ago. I am proud of myself for getting through the interview, but now I'm stressing about the actual doing the job bit, and I don't even know if I've got it yet. I know it sounds awful and I feel sick saying it, but my mind just tells me that I don't even want to work. The pressure that I feel to do well in everything is too much, and although Liam says he really wouldn't mind if I felt more comfortable not working for a little while longer, I know we struggle a lot for money and could really do with the added income.
   As the title of this posts suggests, I really do have good days and bad days, Monday I was on cloud nine, happy and feeling like my life was finally getting past my panic attacks and depression, yesterday though, I woke up at nine and lay in bed all day! Literally like a little hermit with no energy and no motivation, I just lay there watching old pretty little liars episodes and avoiding phone calls and text messages as much as I could.
   I really want to get past this, so as hard as it is, I'm going to keep fighting it. This may mean a few changes in the way I blog, but I promise I would give up on it. Blogging is the one thing that takes me away from everything and I honestly wish I had started it sooner.
   I know I've rambled a lot about a whole load of nothing in this post, but I really want to thank everyone who follows me, whether it be on here, twitter, youtube or facebook. I really appreciate every one of you guys and you make doing what I love so much easier. You also help cheer me up on those not so good days. So thank you so so much! Also if any of you ever want to shoot me an email or tweet, please do so, even if it's just to say hi. It's those little smiles that make days better. :)